Admitting depression

Once again, it's been ages since I've written anything in this blog. I've been focusing too much on drawing and work and honestly have been debating on whether or not to just delete this thread or not. However.. this seems to be the only place that I can freely and openly spill my heart without having people try and contradict me.

I am depressed. I've been taking pills for it.. but I'm not quite sure if that's enough. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to obtain what I want. I want to be a mangaka.. and I haven't. I want to lose weight.. and I can't seem to get my fat ass of the couch. Why can't I do anything that makes me happy?? Part of me thinks that I may want therapy but I just can't bring myself to do it. Why would I want to tell my problems to a complete stranger? I already know what's wrong with me. The odds of having a revelation in a shrink's office are slim to none. And despite knowing exactly what I need to do, and why I'm so upset.. I just can't do anything about it.

I ate dinner today, and outside, I started gagging uncontrollably. My psychy wanted me to throw it up.. my body wanted it to stay because I was hungry, and had just eaten. There was a huge part of me that wanted to just let my mind take over and spill my stomach onto the lawn. But I didn't.. not sure why. If I ended up having an eating disorder, that would just be one more thing that I know I wouldn't be able to get past.

I need that koi.. I'm admitting right now that I'm not sure how to get it though. *shrug*

The Diet

Alright... I have a feeling things are about to get easier. I'm done with my 3 day cleanse which was only raw green veg and red meat. Don't get me wrong, I loooove me some steak but when you can't put any salt on it and that's -all- you can eat, it gets old.. fast.

I'm able to eat a large variety of foods now. Almost seems like I'll be eating a ton a day compared to what I have been eating. Rather than my egg and half an orange as usual for breakfast, I was able to have a small bowl of cereal and a cup of this processed, special hot chocolate that was designed by the clinic. It wasn't too bad. And I was able to calm my sweet tooth with one of their snack bars. For being entirely synthetic and 'good' for me.. it wasn't bad at all. I was really surprised. It made my taste buds happy ^^.

Now, off to finish cleaning the house before I figure out what I want for lunch.

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(Loss to Date) LtD: -10 lbs

Day 2

I signed up for the Medical weight loss clinic two days ago... What the hell am I doing?

This is so hard, and I'm only on day two. I know that I'm on the cleansing which is incredibly restrictive, and starting Saturday it will be a bit easier but right now.. I'm dying. I want to curl up into a ball and die. Zach's mom (bless her heart) came over to help us paint my living room.. and being the wonderful mom that she is, brought a bag of reece's peanut butter cups and a huge bag of home made chocolate chip cookies.

I want to eat them all.. seeing them made me wanna cry. I'm torturing myself slowly just by being in the same house as those delicious morsels.

Pierced Rights

Alright, I know that no one reads this and that's fine with me. But I just have to say something and I'll be finished...maybe.

Discrimination does not just fall into black and white anymore, it now falls into chrome. I am really becoming offended by this. I don't think it's right that someone can not hire me, or force me to remove something that is a part of who I am, in the work place. None of my piercings or tattoos are offensive or vulgar and yet I am not allowed to wear or show any of them at risk of being reprimanded or sent home.

I've really had enough. Things change, pierced people are not the 'hooligans' that they were thought to be years and years ago. I'm very smart and really good at my job, but apparantly having my nose ring (and lip ring which closed up -_- grrrrrr) makes just looking at me offensive to others. I wouldn't be caught dead telling someone, "Hey, could you take off your cross.. it really offends some of your jewish clients." It's just a piece of jewelry, right? But it's what it stands for, and that it's part of who that person is. I'm not saying that my piercings are religious.. maybe it's a religion/addiction to me as I'm sure it is to others.. but they are without a doubt, Maggen. 110%. And having or wearing them does not take away from my ability to preform or provide my clients with the best services possible.

Chrome Power! Lol =3

Major Update

Oooook, it's been ages since I've written anything here. Things have been relatively hectic, as always. Zach and I got moved and settled into our new place. It's amazing. Walking distance to everything we need, right next to a pub. Sway has a cute little park down the road that he can play at (that is if I wake up in time to take him >.>) It's just nice to finally live in a house, not just a cut out apartment. I think we're gonna try to paint this weekend. I hope so anyway, I'm really tired of staring at dusty rose walls everytime I get on my computer.

Um.. I was offered the day job in the lab. I took it, but it won't actually happen for a long time. They need to get another person trained and comfortable enough to work in my position in the EMU. Good luck to 'em. I'm gonna do my best to get them as situated as possible. EMU stuff is so much fun, I hope they end up enjoying it as much as I do.

As far as my self esteem issues go.. they're about the same. Though, I've been trying harder to get things on track. I've started buying new clothes to help me feel a bit better on the outside. I've even started painting my nails. My neighbor/friend Casey is determined to turn me into a girl. Lol, good luck!! She even had me buy a dress for my birthday. I'll admit, I didn't -hate- it. Still, gotta work on the weight issues. I know that when I do switch to days, that will make things a bit easier. It'll be nice to be on a normal schedule where I can be active throughout the entire day rather than wondering when I'm going to sleep.

Oh! I almost forgot. My art seems to be picking up. I've sold a couple pieces for decent money and am starting to compete in DA contests. ^^

Why me?

I woke up today with a horrible feeling of 'fat'. Everything on me feels bloated and swollen past the point of recognition. It's hard for me to even walk past a mirror today. I may need to call the doctor to get a different kind of anti-anxiety med.. either this one is making me gain weight or it's just not doing anything for me and my self image issues are getting worse.

Ok, gotta go feed my dog. Bye.

Needles can be fun

Friday... there was debate on whether or not I would be called into work for the 7pm to 7am shift that night because our patients may be staying to deal with medication issues. That's fine.. normally I'm paged in the morning so that I know for sure..... weeeeeell... Mr. Ass man decided that i'm psychic and that I should assume that I was coming in and I didn't find out until 5:30pm when I called him to check myself. UGH! One of the longest nights of my life.

How does a Megu deal with stress and anger you ask? She gets piercings! So, the next day, I marched my big ass down the Art and Soul and got my lip done. It's super cute. It's kinda hard to see in the picture, but it's there. Now, to make matter worse, my mother decided that this automatically makes me a terrible daughter because I decided to spend a bit of money on myself. Even though I thought I'd been doing well in making sure that I'm able to pay all my bills and putting 400 in my savings every pay period. So, my night last night was filled with the words that I'm a terrible daughter and very disrespectful and obviously stupid as well as they're cutting me off now. Wonderful. I've never asked my parents for any money unless I desperately needed their help. Other than that, I've paid for everything myself. Guess that's not happening anymore. Thank god for Zach and Toma who made my night a bit more barable.

Sugah

Captain's log.. star date 07-15-2009. Today the crew began to ween itself off of sugar. Withdrawl pains are hard, they have the jitters and an immense urge to stuff their faces with chocolate. It's going to be a hard road, but I have faith. I can't remember the last time the crew consumed so much sugar and calorie free soda in one day. The poor souls are doing whatever they can to satisfy the craving. One can only hope that tomorrow will be better.

So yeah, I haven't had any chocolate or candy at all today, not even anything super loaded in carbs. For breakfast I had coffee and special K. Lunch was a code zero, some hummus with baked pita and a piece of roasted chicken, then I had a salad for dinner.

I WANT CANDY! ... but I can't, I musn't.. dare I relapse into my old ways and addiction to food. The say that the third day is the hardest. God help us all.

Ugh

I was so planning on going for a nice long run yesterday with my Sway dog.. and then it hit me. Migraine.... ugh. It was there from the moment I woke up, and still lingered a bit today. Since I didn't feel like cooking, I was horrible on my healthy eating regime and ordered pizza -_-' If it makes anyone feel better, I felt horrible after eating it. Kinda like I wanted to throw it all up. But I didn't *sigh* Belemia isn't my thing. There's a part of me that kinda things that I have anorexia.. at least some of the symptoms. I dunno, it's not that I starve myself.. but when I feel really bad, I end up binging. Then I feel so bad about myself after I've eaten. I'm just not sure how to break the cycle.

Oh, I posted a few new character designs on my deviant art page. Megu's Art Page

Hopefully I'll get the motivation to finish the big dragon thing that I've been working on for a while. It's really awesome so far and I can't wait to get some public opinions.

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It's 12:18 in the morning, and about an hour ago I ate some chicket strips from the cafeteria downstairs. I'm terribly discusted with myself.

And it begins

So far today is starting out alright. I did my running like I said I would. I didn't run as long as I'd hoped, but it still felt really nice to get up and move. Now I just need to get that punching bag so I can keep up with my boxing. Zach said that he'll help me stay on track and I know he will. He may be very gay, but he's a tough bastard O_o.

More to come as the day progresses.

Round one..

Again with the not writing no a regular basis, argh! I don't mean to be so lazy, I honestly don't. Hmm.. not a whole lot as happened since I wrote last. I'm still doing my lab work, and waiting for ass man to leave. Oh! I ordered a new cell phone today. I can't wait to get it, it's gonna be so awesome and make my text addiction that much easier. I ended up getting the LG enV touch. It's kinda like an Iphone, only it folds open to reveal a keyboard. Hehe...

Oh, check this out. I took this picture today at work. I have never seen a hibiscus outside of Hawaii and I was just floored by the colors. I stared at it forever, if I wouldn't have gotten in trouble, I'd have plucked it and stuck it in my hair. At least then, it would give people something cool to look at when they look at me.

I had my first day of boxing this evening. It was great, I ended up working so hard that I almost threw up. I haven't worked out that hard in ages. It felt amazing. I'm going to start going over to Lisa's for lessons every friday and hopefully get a bag for myself so I can practice. When I got home, this was the first time in a long time that I was somewhat happy with myself and what I saw. Let's just hope I can keep it up.

Rest in pieces, Ahune the Frostlord

So, about two days ago (yes, I know.. I havn't posted in a couple days.) I was playing WoW with my friends and finally.. after about 30 runs of this stupid dungeon, got what I had came for. The Frostlord's Scythe! Now, I know that I sound like a super mega nerd right now, but I don't care. It is epic and it makes me happy =3

Last night, I was kidnapped by my asian friends. We went out to a restaurant and ordered from the authentic menu. It was soooo good, and most of the people there were so surprised that an American could use chopsticks. That's when Xin told them 'Maggen only looks American, treat her like she's asian. She's really Japanese." God, if only. Then maybe I wouldn't have to watch what I eat so much so that I don't end up like one of those people you see on TV that can't get out of bed anymore and needs a forklift to get them to a hospital.

After the restaurant, we went to a bar called the Wild Bull. There, we met up with yet more asians and started drinking. After only about two, we were all brave enough to wrestle with the Bull. It's a big, black mechanical bull that you ride and hang onto for dear life, praying that you won't get thrown across the bar when it bucks forward. Well, turns out that I'm a bullrider at heart cuz I held on, ONE HANDED and ended up doing very very well. My pride point for the evening. Then we went next door the Monaco Bay, home of the duelling pianos and starting place for Matt Giraud, the guy from American Idol. I don't watch Idol, but I did used to watch Matt play there before he took off. It was fun, by the end of the night, either they got really good at english, or I started to understand Chinese. Either way... Asians eat a lot! Tu and Xin went and got pizza and hot dogs.

More to come hopefully. *shrug*

I want to be her

Yesterday I was drawing, like I generally do when I started to draw a girl. She had my hair and my eyes, but the rest of her body was perfect (save for the hole in her chest.. but that's another story). All I could think, all night and this morning was how badly I wanted to be her. She was beautiful and powerful. The more I dwell on it, the more sick to my stomach I seem to get. I'm sure it can't be healthy, but still. I so badly want to be her.

Wine and Sinus infections don't mix

Alright, last night when I got home from work.. at like 2am.. I decided to unwind a bit by playing some WoW and having a glass of wine. Well, my boyfriend and our guild leader were on, so we got to chatting and before I knew it.. I had drank an entire bottle of wine and was definitely feeling the effects. So, about 3:30am I went to bed and passed out. Now.. I've been battling a really nasty sinus infection for about a week. It's a lot better than it was before, thanks to lots of drugs, but I've still got an ungodly amount of drainage. It still boggles my mind how much mucus your body can produce. Anyway, when I woke up I was incredibly dizzy. I guess while I was out of it, the pressure in my sinuses spread to my inner ear. I nearly fell down just walking down the hallway at work. Even now, I still feel like I'm spinning and I'm not! Even though this chair is the spinny kind >.>

Walking into work today was the usual, though the ass man wasn't there. Yey! I guess he got pissed off because he found out that he wasn't invited on our 'group field trip' next week. We're gonna be headed to Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit to check out their EMU (Epilepsy Monitoring Unit..not the big flightless bird that can maul your face off). Well, I guess H-sensei mentioned it to Bonnie, my co worker that he wanted to know who all was going.. after that, the shit hit the fan because Tom (ass man) was told by our boss that it wasn't in the budget and that we weren't going. Haha, I'm glad I wasn't here for the tension but it still might have made my day.

Day 1

Well, I've never consistantly blogged before, but let's hope that this one lasts. I'm not 100% sure exactly what I'm going to use it for, but since the name suggests The Fix, let's hope that something is fixed.. not that anything in particular is broken, but who knows. Or, maybe you can just use it to get your 'fix' of Megu, lol.

The Fix was the name that one of my best friends, Liz and I came up with for our dream coffee/hand made candy and yummies shop. We never really got that far, but I hope that it'll still, someday come to fruitation.

I suppose the fix is also an appropriate name because there are a few things in my life that arn't necessarily broken, but I'd like to try to make better. Hopefully writting it all down may help. *shrug* I dunno.... today I was watching the show, 'Intervention'. Have you heard of it. It's a really neat show, though half the time it ends really badly. Today, a lady was on it that was anorexic. Now, if any of you have seen or met me, you would know that I am far from it. Somehow though, I felt like I could relate to her. Blah, I'm rambling. Alright, I'll try and write more tomorrow, not that anyone is reading this anyway. ^^

(later in the day)

Today is the first time I wore my hair in it's naturaly curly state in over 2 years. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but people seem to love it. I desperately need a hair cut so I can wear it straight again.

Oh, back to the eating disorder thing.. yeah. Mine came out today in full force. Lately, my job has been really stressful. There's this guy that I work with that plans on quitting (finally!) and has been a total ass to everyone since he made this announcement. Not that it's too different from how he already acts. To top it off, I've been gaining wei..ght, probably from the stress and working so much, and my hair is curly! I dislike curly hair >.> My solution! Medicate with a brownie ><>

*le sigh*