Admitting depression

Once again, it's been ages since I've written anything in this blog. I've been focusing too much on drawing and work and honestly have been debating on whether or not to just delete this thread or not. However.. this seems to be the only place that I can freely and openly spill my heart without having people try and contradict me.

I am depressed. I've been taking pills for it.. but I'm not quite sure if that's enough. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to obtain what I want. I want to be a mangaka.. and I haven't. I want to lose weight.. and I can't seem to get my fat ass of the couch. Why can't I do anything that makes me happy?? Part of me thinks that I may want therapy but I just can't bring myself to do it. Why would I want to tell my problems to a complete stranger? I already know what's wrong with me. The odds of having a revelation in a shrink's office are slim to none. And despite knowing exactly what I need to do, and why I'm so upset.. I just can't do anything about it.

I ate dinner today, and outside, I started gagging uncontrollably. My psychy wanted me to throw it up.. my body wanted it to stay because I was hungry, and had just eaten. There was a huge part of me that wanted to just let my mind take over and spill my stomach onto the lawn. But I didn't.. not sure why. If I ended up having an eating disorder, that would just be one more thing that I know I wouldn't be able to get past.

I need that koi.. I'm admitting right now that I'm not sure how to get it though. *shrug*