Week 2

Went to class again. It was pretty interesting. We talked mainly about portion sizes and what society has done to us food wise. We went through what normal portions were in the 50's all the way till now. The calories for portions have more than doubled and 3 inches have been added to the diameters of our dinner plates. And.. since a lot of us were raised by parents whose house rule was 'clean your plate' we do just that, even though we're eating so much more than they did.. doesn't look like it though, everything's gotten bigger but is still refered to as the same amount.

Today I'm feeling particularly crappy.. work has been really hellish and I can never seem to relax enough to feel rested at home. I want this surgery to happen asap.. but i know that I have 4 weeks to go before I can even qualify, insurance wise. Ugh.. make time go faster. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

And so bit begins...

I went to my first class today. After much thought and of course, urging by my mother who will never admit it, but wishes that she had more perfect, and pretty daughters.. I have entered into the Bariatric pre-surgery program at Bronson.

It wasn't an easy decision, but it's something that I really need to do. I want to go shopping and be able to wear normal clothes, and to see something that I like in the mirror. To top it off, I've met the man of my dreams and want to be the perfect looking bride :) I want to wear a sexy sari and show off my stomach as I dance to Punjabi beats, lol.

The class today was a basic rundown of learning how to be more conscious of eating and to really think about whether or not I'm actually hungry and what hunger actually feels like compared to an emotional craving. During class, the doc had us close our eyes and picture a time when we were justifiably hungry. We were supposed to feel where our bodies were sending us the message from. I felt it in my stomach, and my body felt shaky and weak... then we needed to do that same for when we felt a craving, or were emotionally hungry. I felt my body sending me messages from my tongue and my mouth began to water.

It's weird.. for a person who prides herself in following the pagan and shamanistic ways (still learning and reading the books of it.. so I'm far from an expert) wasn't listening to my body the way that I'm supposed to, or am currently being taught to. This is definitely something I'm going to need to focus on.. especially if I expect to be successful on this journey I am about to partake in.

More to come! I'm sure the future blogs, logging my travels down the road of self discovery will be much more indepth and entertaining. This is after all, my life, right!!

Admitting depression

Once again, it's been ages since I've written anything in this blog. I've been focusing too much on drawing and work and honestly have been debating on whether or not to just delete this thread or not. However.. this seems to be the only place that I can freely and openly spill my heart without having people try and contradict me.

I am depressed. I've been taking pills for it.. but I'm not quite sure if that's enough. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to obtain what I want. I want to be a mangaka.. and I haven't. I want to lose weight.. and I can't seem to get my fat ass of the couch. Why can't I do anything that makes me happy?? Part of me thinks that I may want therapy but I just can't bring myself to do it. Why would I want to tell my problems to a complete stranger? I already know what's wrong with me. The odds of having a revelation in a shrink's office are slim to none. And despite knowing exactly what I need to do, and why I'm so upset.. I just can't do anything about it.

I ate dinner today, and outside, I started gagging uncontrollably. My psychy wanted me to throw it up.. my body wanted it to stay because I was hungry, and had just eaten. There was a huge part of me that wanted to just let my mind take over and spill my stomach onto the lawn. But I didn't.. not sure why. If I ended up having an eating disorder, that would just be one more thing that I know I wouldn't be able to get past.

I need that koi.. I'm admitting right now that I'm not sure how to get it though. *shrug*

The Diet

Alright... I have a feeling things are about to get easier. I'm done with my 3 day cleanse which was only raw green veg and red meat. Don't get me wrong, I loooove me some steak but when you can't put any salt on it and that's -all- you can eat, it gets old.. fast.

I'm able to eat a large variety of foods now. Almost seems like I'll be eating a ton a day compared to what I have been eating. Rather than my egg and half an orange as usual for breakfast, I was able to have a small bowl of cereal and a cup of this processed, special hot chocolate that was designed by the clinic. It wasn't too bad. And I was able to calm my sweet tooth with one of their snack bars. For being entirely synthetic and 'good' for me.. it wasn't bad at all. I was really surprised. It made my taste buds happy ^^.

Now, off to finish cleaning the house before I figure out what I want for lunch.

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(Loss to Date) LtD: -10 lbs

Day 2

I signed up for the Medical weight loss clinic two days ago... What the hell am I doing?

This is so hard, and I'm only on day two. I know that I'm on the cleansing which is incredibly restrictive, and starting Saturday it will be a bit easier but right now.. I'm dying. I want to curl up into a ball and die. Zach's mom (bless her heart) came over to help us paint my living room.. and being the wonderful mom that she is, brought a bag of reece's peanut butter cups and a huge bag of home made chocolate chip cookies.

I want to eat them all.. seeing them made me wanna cry. I'm torturing myself slowly just by being in the same house as those delicious morsels.

Pierced Rights

Alright, I know that no one reads this and that's fine with me. But I just have to say something and I'll be finished...maybe.

Discrimination does not just fall into black and white anymore, it now falls into chrome. I am really becoming offended by this. I don't think it's right that someone can not hire me, or force me to remove something that is a part of who I am, in the work place. None of my piercings or tattoos are offensive or vulgar and yet I am not allowed to wear or show any of them at risk of being reprimanded or sent home.

I've really had enough. Things change, pierced people are not the 'hooligans' that they were thought to be years and years ago. I'm very smart and really good at my job, but apparantly having my nose ring (and lip ring which closed up -_- grrrrrr) makes just looking at me offensive to others. I wouldn't be caught dead telling someone, "Hey, could you take off your cross.. it really offends some of your jewish clients." It's just a piece of jewelry, right? But it's what it stands for, and that it's part of who that person is. I'm not saying that my piercings are religious.. maybe it's a religion/addiction to me as I'm sure it is to others.. but they are without a doubt, Maggen. 110%. And having or wearing them does not take away from my ability to preform or provide my clients with the best services possible.

Chrome Power! Lol =3

Major Update

Oooook, it's been ages since I've written anything here. Things have been relatively hectic, as always. Zach and I got moved and settled into our new place. It's amazing. Walking distance to everything we need, right next to a pub. Sway has a cute little park down the road that he can play at (that is if I wake up in time to take him >.>) It's just nice to finally live in a house, not just a cut out apartment. I think we're gonna try to paint this weekend. I hope so anyway, I'm really tired of staring at dusty rose walls everytime I get on my computer.

Um.. I was offered the day job in the lab. I took it, but it won't actually happen for a long time. They need to get another person trained and comfortable enough to work in my position in the EMU. Good luck to 'em. I'm gonna do my best to get them as situated as possible. EMU stuff is so much fun, I hope they end up enjoying it as much as I do.

As far as my self esteem issues go.. they're about the same. Though, I've been trying harder to get things on track. I've started buying new clothes to help me feel a bit better on the outside. I've even started painting my nails. My neighbor/friend Casey is determined to turn me into a girl. Lol, good luck!! She even had me buy a dress for my birthday. I'll admit, I didn't -hate- it. Still, gotta work on the weight issues. I know that when I do switch to days, that will make things a bit easier. It'll be nice to be on a normal schedule where I can be active throughout the entire day rather than wondering when I'm going to sleep.

Oh! I almost forgot. My art seems to be picking up. I've sold a couple pieces for decent money and am starting to compete in DA contests. ^^